


Wolfe and Santi Teach Sex Ed

by RosalindInPants



Category: The Great Library Series - Rachel Caine
Genre: Crack, Gen, Sexual Humor, wolfe does not want to teach this subject
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22940230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosalindInPants/pseuds/RosalindInPants
Summary: Exactly what the title says. Having observed their students pairing off, it occurs to Wolfe and Santi that they are going to have to teach an awkward subject.Reposted from Tumblr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Wolfe and Santi Teach Sex Ed

Wolfe: We’re going to need anatomy textbooks for this.

Santi: Are you trying to put them to sleep?

Wolfe: Well, it would solve this whole problem, would it not?

* * *

Wolfe: So we cover the basics: manual, oral, anal. Then we move on to-

Santi: I think you’re forgetting one.

Wolfe: What? Toys? Isn’t that getting a little advanced?

Santi: There are girls, Chris.

Wolfe: … oh, right, _that_.

* * *

Santi: Statistics on venereal disease transmission rates? Really, Chris?

Wolfe: Hmm. You’re right. Not frightening enough on their own. I need one of those Medica textbooks with the detailed illustrations.

Santi: That… is not the point I was trying to make.

* * *

Wolfe: Nic, there are girls. We have to explain pregnancy. How do we explain pregnancy?

Santi: What, your mother never told you how you were made?

Wolfe: Not _that_ part.

* * *

Santi: Chris, I think you aren’t giving them enough credit for, ahem, creativity.

Wolfe: They’re children, Nic. _Children_.

Santi: You _really_ need to review Khalila’s Codex search history.

* * *

_Thomas brings a helpful new invention to Wolfe._

Wolfe: So this thing… simulates… an infant?

Thomas: Yes. It must be cared for on a regular schedule in accordance with the Medica department’s current guidelines for infant care.

Santi, picking up the automaton to examine it: And if it isn’t?

Thomas takes the baby: It will emit a series of warning sounds with increasing volume until the caregiver remedies the problem.

Thomas pushes a button on it to demonstrate. The baby opens its mouth and emits an ear-piercing shriek. Wolfe cringes while Santi continues to eye the thing curiously.

Wolfe: That’s quite enough, shut it up.

Thomas pushes the button again and the baby is silent: I apologize, Scholar. Would you like me to revise the design?

Wolfe, grinning deviously: Oh, no, I think this will be perfect. Make one for each member of the class.

Santi: Double the order. I think I can see some military applications for these.

Thomas: …

* * *

Later…

Santi, holding the mechanical baby to his chest and rocking it: That’s right little one, drink your milk and grow up big and strong like your daddies.

Wolfe: Nic, this is getting ridiculous; you aren’t even capable of lactation.

Santi: How do you know? Medicas are making new discoveries every day.

The baby starts to wiggle, and Santi holds it out to Wolfe: Aww, you want Daddy Chris? Here he is. You love your daddy, don’t you?

Wolfe, shying away from the baby: Dammit Nic, we are _not_ adopting one. No! You will not entice me with this insanity!

Santi puts the baby down in the box serving as its crib and leaves the room. It continues to wiggle. Wolfe looks around to be sure Santi is gone, then picks it up and cuddles it.

Wolfe: That’s right, who’s your favorite daddy?

* * *

Later…

Wolfe: This week, class, we will conduct a hands-on learning activity in which you will experience one of the most serious side effects of careless sexual activity: pregnancy, the usual outcome of which is an infant requiring constant care. You will each wear a specially constructed jacket simulating the physical effects of pregnancy for two days, after which you will care for an automaton that replicates the behavior of the typical human infant.

Santi stands to one side of Wolfe, modeling a jacket that gives him the appearance of a pregnant belly and large breasts. He peels an apple, seemingly untroubled by this unusual attire. To the other side, Thomas cradles one of the mechanical babies, gently rocking it.

Dario, raising his hand: But Scholar Wolfe, not all of us can get pregnant!

Wolfe: Irrelevant. Even if I cared to determine which of you are capable of becoming pregnant, which I do not, most of those who cannot carry a pregnancy are fully capable of causing one, and thus will benefit from this lesson.

Dario: But… but… if we stick to the kind of sex that can’t get someone pregnant…?

Wolfe: I have no interest in hearing about your private activities, Santiago. Come get your educational materials.

Glain, stepping up to take a jacket from Santi: Suck it up, your highness. It’s a learning experience.

Khalila, eyeing Dario with interest as he puts his special jacket on: Scholar Wolfe, may we engage in sexual activity while wearing these? Purely for educational purposes, of course. I understand it can be beneficial during pregnancy.

Wolfe: CLASS DISMISSED!

**Author's Note:**

> See more of this sort of ridiculousness on my tumblr here: https://rosalind-of-arden.tumblr.com/


End file.
